A Letter To My ADHD Brain: ADHD Awareness Month
Last year I wrote this letter to my ADHD following a group coaching course with Leanne Maskell/ADHD Works. I shared it as a video on social media at the time. As it’s ADHD Awareness Month, I thought I’d share it as a blog post!
To my ADHD brain,
I love you and I hate you. You exist as a total contradiction. You are both what makes life feel worth living but also why I am drowning.
It is because of you that I feel so alive. Your thoughts burst with creativity, flying around my brain at a hundred miles an hour and filling me with a kind of excitement that is electrifying. You illuminate the infinite number of possibilities surrounding me and dare me to chase each one. You ignite sparks inside of my body. The feeling of dopamine. A feeling you make me want to chase in everything that I do. I am addicted to that spark. You make me constantly crave more. More of that feeling that makes life feel worth living.
But I am also drowning under your weight. Your racing thoughts are exhausting, a noise I try to muffle with coping mechanisms I am told are unhealthy. Your impulsivity leads me astray; you don’t allow me to think things through. I make decisions I otherwise wouldn’t, yet your overthinking is also suffocating. See - a total contradiction.
Your never-ending stream of ideas and new goals pulls me in a hundred different directions, never allowing me to just focus on the present. Your excitement is exhilarating, but it evaporates into boredom as quickly as it arrives and I yet again move on to the next thing before anything is complete. Except, I am so often stuck. In the space between desire and action where my thoughts don’t connect to my body and when my ideas don’t translate into outcomes. A space I am far too familiar with. Here my feet are glued to the earth and the next step is impossible to see. I shut down. Now I don’t feel anything.
With you there is no middle ground. No time of calm, and no pause button. No balance - it’s all or nothing. Life is a race. The finish line seems to be drawing nearer and nearer with each spark of excitement and possibility. But the closer I get to it, the further away it seems to move. There is no satisfaction at achieving a goal with you because you are already all consumed by the thrill of what’s next. You are always wanting more.
I don’t know what it’s like to live without you. Without a brain that never shuts off. In some ways your endless stream of thoughts and conversations in my mind are company. But everything feels like a fight. All of the time. To focus on things I want to focus on. To get started on tasks which bring me joy. Yet still something is blocking my ability to start. Even falling asleep is a battle. You are never quiet.
But, you are me.
And I am you.
And I am learning to live with you.
GIRL UNMASKED (The Sunday Times Bestseller) is available to order from Amazon and all major bookstores! https://linktr.ee/girlunmasked.