Relationship OCD
Relationship OCD is when someone is consumed with doubts about their relationship, including obsessing over whether they are attracted to their partner, whether they love their partner and whether their partner loves them.
Common obsessions in relationship OCD:
Worrying about whether you actually love your partner
Thinking that you may not actually be attracted to them
Worrying about whether your partner loves you
Worrying that they might not be the person you are meant to be with.
Another common obsession in relationship OCD is becoming fixated on a specific flaw that your partner has, for example thinking that their nose is too big. You become fixated on this, worry that it mean you aren’t attracted to them, and then feel guilty that you are thinking this.
The person may also experience intrusive thoughts about cheating on their partner. This could cause significant distress, guilt and depression, and may make you feel like an awful person or partner, reducing your self-esteem.
Although most people in relationships will question these things at times, for people with ROCD, these irrational thoughts can consume everyday life, causing distress, guilt and difficulty in relationships. Additionally, compulsions can be extremely time consuming and upsetting.
Common compulsions in relationship OCD:
Constantly comparing other people’s relationships to yours
Trying to prove to yourself that you’re attracted to them, e.g. looking at them often to try to work out what you feel
Researching what relationships should be like
Trying to judge whether you feel more attracted to other people
Avoiding dating or constantly going on dates to try to feel the “right” way about someone
Constantly checking your thoughts, feelings and emotions about them
Seeking reassurance
Actively recalling memories when you felt satisfied and content with them
Seeking advice on online forums
Making up rules for your partner, e.g. ‘If they don’t do this, then they’re not right for me’.
There are two specific types of relationship OCD:
Relationship-centred OCD = Constantly doubting whether you are attracted to your partner, whether they like you, and whether you are compatible together.
Partner-focused OCD = Obsessing over specific physical or personality flaws your partner may have.
These types of relationship OCD overlap. Often one proceeds the other. For example, you may become fixated on your partner’s nose, and then worry that you are not attracted to them because of it.
ROCD can have a significant impact on someone’s functioning, distress and satisfaction with their life. It is also heavily linked with depression and anxiety, and difficulties in the couple’s relationship.
The issue is that someone with ROCD will constantly doubt themselves, even if they’re told they have ROCD.
“But what if there IS a problem with our relationship?”
“What if attributing it to OCD is just me making excuses?”
“But what if I actually am not attracted to them?”
There are treatment options for ROCD, which are pretty similar to the treatment options for OCD. It usually involves Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and Exposure and Response Prevention to target maladaptive thoughts and expose themselves to situations that worry them. This may include exploring what it would mean if their relationship wasn’t perfect, discussing with the partner about the flaw, understanding the person’s thoughts and beliefs, and reducing time spent engaging with compulsive behaviours.
It can be helpful for someone with relationship OCD to know that…
You don’t have to feel intensely in love with your partner all the time.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.
Thoughts are not facts.
You are not a bad person for experiencing this.
For more information and examples, have a read of this by the International OCD Foundation: https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/relationship-ocd/