Am I Being Rude or Is My Autism Not Being Understood and Accommodated For?

Autistic people are often told that they are being rude. In my experience, this is often from people who don’t know that I am autistic, or those who do but who think that autism isn’t an ‘excuse’ for ‘rudeness’.

So, what exactly IS this so-called rudeness?

Many autistic people need to understand the reason for an act before they can do it. For example, when a teacher gives an instruction to a class, most kids will listen straight away and get on with it. But the autistic child might ask “Why do I have to do that?” or “I don’t understand why?”. They are likely to continue to push until they have an answer which satisfies them enough so that they can carry out the task. Them seeking this reasoning seems to tell neurotypical adults that they are undermining their authority and that they are deliberately causing trouble. Even when the child has no intention of not doing the task, once they understand and are able to commence it.

We might also seek clarification when we are given an instruction. This too might seem ‘rude’. It might seem as if we weren’t listening the first time. It also might seem like we are purposefully trying to be ‘difficult’. In actual fact, we just need the details so we can get on with it.

Autistic people can be quite pedantic. Because, let’s be honest, why wouldn’t I correct you if I know you’re wrong? Or if a rule doesn’t make sense to me, why wouldn’t I question it? This causes problems especially when you are questioning someone of higher authority than yourself. Society has decided that this is rude. That questioning people, unless in the ‘right’ circumstances, means you think you’re more important than they are. When really we’re just seeking to understand. Seeking for things to make sense in our brains which are very black and white.

This black and white thinking can present as ‘rude’ too. If something presents as black and white to me, and someone else describes it in a way which JUST ISN’T ‘RIGHT’, I might feel the need to correct them. And again, this ‘correcting’ business is wrong apparently. This black and white thinking means that things which other people might see as ‘opinions’, are solid facts to us. So we may push them onto other people because they are facts, and it can be difficult to accept other people’s opinions which are against this fact. And we must accept other people’s opinions, even when they are wrong.

We can struggle to let things go. If something doesn’t seem right or fair, we can’t shift our focus elsewhere. So we keep pushing and questioning, which looks like we keep undermining other people’s authority of continually disrespecting the other person. This is not our intention.

As well as on concepts, we can become fixated on particular activities. We may be unable to stop what we are doing. For example, an autistic person who is fixated on something that they want to finish may not realise someone near them is upset. This can be seen as selfish, and hence ‘rude’.

Our rudeness is also apparently evident when we are expected to do something even though we haven’t been asked to do it. Unless someone asks me to do something, how am I meant to know I need to do it? Look at this interaction:
Person: “The table needs clearing”.
Me: “Yes, it does.”
*I do not move, and person gets annoyed*
I KNOW it seems like I should know you are asking me to clear the table, or I should just do it without being asked. But this just does not click in my head. Ask me directly please.

Even if someone does ask me to do something, I may not be able to do it, and this may seem rude. Sometimes a set of instructions is too much. Sometimes my brain clogs up. Sometimes I feel a meltdown coming on. Sometimes I can’t move. This isn’t me being rude. I just *can’t*.

We may be asked to participate in social situations. Or we may voluntarily put ourselves in them, but not socialise ‘politely’ or in the way expected of us. I might talk too much about my special interest, and not ask someone how their day was, because let’s face it, no-one gives a truthful answer anyway. Sometimes when my brain is focused on something, I can’t move its focus elsewhere. Sometimes I am too fixated on what has just happened that I just forget to ask the person in-front of me about them. Sometimes I just talk too much, and this is rude.

Many autistic people struggle with eye contact, and this seems to be one of the biggest determinants of politeness in today’s society. This ignores the fact that many cultures see eye contact as rude, and the fact that eye contact can simply be painful for autistic people.

Even our mannerisms can be rude. I won’t ever forget the time that I was getting worried about something and was speaking very fast because I needed to explain what I was worried about, and I flapped my hands. The worker in charge of the group I was in became very angry. I had used disrespectful hand gestures and spoken over him. I hadn’t meant to at all. I got extremely upset, felt awful and very guilty, and hated myself even more. Because I never mean to be rude. It just happens without me meaning to.

The tone of our voice might indicate rudeness. Take any sentence. Each sentence can be spoken aloud in so many different ways depending on where you place the emphasis. It’s incredibly difficult to ensure the emphasis is on the correct syllables and words to ensure the phrase comes our politely and not rudely.

We also tend to say things very bluntly, because our thinking is so literal. This can be interpreted as rude. Our unfiltered honesty can get us into trouble. We say things exactly as they are. This can be hurtful, and I know this is something many of us work really hard on, because we don’t want to be hurtful.

Our facial expressions can also convey rudeness. It can be very hard to ensure my expression matches what I am saying or the situation. I often get confused at what someone says, and this shows in my face. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been rude in this way.

Many autistic people mask (i.e. hide) these things. In most settings, I am constantly consciously aware of the way I portray myself. I do my best to not let any of these things which could be seen as rude slip through the mask. In-fact, I exaggerate the politeness to such an extent that I can be seen as overly nice. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work. Something might simply distract me or take away my ability to mask for that moment, or I may just be unable to mask that particular thing.

The anxiety which wells up once I realise I have been rude (often once someone expresses this to me or gets angry with me), or the anxiety of constantly over-analysing every single interaction, questioning my every movement and word, is unbearable. The anxiety leads to guilt, shame, self-hatred, self-harm and low mood.

It is imperative that people recognise that autistic people do not mean to be rude in their everyday interactions. We are just trying to navigate the situation we’re in safely. Please help us.