Feeling Ashamed of ‘The Autistic Side of Me’

I guess I have this deep-rooted fear that allowing people to see the ‘autistic side of me’ will make them run away. I try not to be ‘too much’, to not get ‘too excited’, to not shut-down or melt-down or pretend I’m not overwhelmed.

I remember what it felt like to be eight and be laughed at for being weird. I’ll never forget that. Those moments forced me to shut away that part of me as much as I could, and it’s only been in recent years that I’ve had less energy to conform.

No matter how many times my boyfriend tells me to not be ashamed about stimming, or my unfiltered ‘joyful’ reactions to things, or my complete bluntness which some could describe as rude…8-year-old me is whispering that I need to protect myself.

In the much beloved Frozen song ‘Let It Go’, Elsa sings “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you’ve always had to be. Conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know…”. This is what goes on in my head on a daily basis.

I overthink most interactions. Before I knew I was autistic, it was ‘Did I act too weird?’, ‘Did I appear normal?’, ‘I hope they didn’t think I behaved strangely’. Now it’s ‘Did I act too autistic?’. And I hate this, because I KNOW there is nothing wrong with being autistic.

But still, that shame is inked on my brain. I don’t like to talk about it, because I want to be proud of who I am. And I try to be. The rational part of my brain is. Autistic people are wonderful. I love that I get to be so honest and enthusiastic and intrigued about everything.

At the same time, that very deep fear that I will be laughed at or lose those I love if I show the autistic part of me is still there, gnawing away at me in every interaction. No matter how many times they tell me that isn’t true.

I grew up always desperate to be accepted, to be liked and to fit in. That need for comfort and acceptance is there for all of us, and it’s going to take a lot of work for me to get over the fact that being AND acting autistic doesn’t mean I lose out on acceptance.

So whilst I am very aware that it is more than okay for me to be autistic, I am still working at feeling like it is okay to act autistic. To not have to put on a performance every time I leave my front door. To not have to put all my energy into hiding who I really am. Because that is exhausting.

And when people actually do love you for who you are, but you are just afraid of letting them in, and letting them see (even though they have before because you don’t always have the spoons and they still stick around!), that can be problematic.