What I Would Say To My Undiagnosed Autistic Self
To my undiagnosed autistic self…
I would love to tell you that you are autistic, because knowing that about yourself would take so much of your guilt and shame away. Unfortunately you won’t know that for years, so for now I will tell you these things instead.
There is nothing about you that is wrong. Absolutely nothing. Every part of you is perfectly and wonderfully made. Even the parts you hate. Especially the parts you hate, and the parts you wish were different.
You are not ‘stupid’. You are comparing yourself with people whose brains are wired completely differently to yours. You see things exactly as they are. You make connections other people could never make. Your brain may not understand things the same way, but it is beautiful.
You will find your tribe. You will find people who love you exactly as you are. You will find people who understand you. You will find people who would go to the ends of the earth for you. Just hold on a little longer. I promise you won’t always feel this lonely.
Don’t blame yourself for things which aren’t your fault. It’s not your fault that people explain things in ways which you don’t understand. It’s not your fault that you can’t do certain things. It’s not your fault that the world doesn’t make sense.
I know that you feel different and I know that feels incredibly isolating and horrible right now. I know you can’t understand this, but one-day that feeling of being different will be used for so much good. You won’t always hate that feeling as much as you do now.
I know that the anxiety never goes away. I know that your brain never shuts off. I know you can’t rid yourself of the feeling that you are broken, but there will be times when you are so full of joy that there will be no space for the bad stuff. You will learn that you aren’t broken.
It’s okay to feel confused and overwhelmed all the time. The world is a confusing and overwhelming place. What’s not okay is to keep all those feelings inside of you. They are building up bit by bit and one-day they will explode. Tell someone what things feel like for you.
You are so special. The things you are mocked for are the things which will make you fierce, determined and so loving. The people mocking you are in the wrong, not you. Hold on tight to who you are, to who you were made to be, and stay true to yourself in everything you do.
People say stuff that they don’t mean. There are rules which don’t make sense. People will ask you questions that they don’t want to know the answers to. You honesty is what makes you unique. You are not rude for questioning things.
It’s okay to like things that other people don’t like. You don’t have to pretend to like the things you think you have to in order for others to like you. Books are your escape. Write about the worlds you imagine in your mind. They will protect you.
It is true that this world is a hard one for you to be in. But it is not true that you are not meant to be in this world. There are things which will make your life easier, and then you will fight to make other people’s lives easier. You have to stay. The world needs you.
One-day you will discover that you are autistic, and it will be the best thing in the world. The more you understand yourself, the more you will begin to piece yourself back together bit by bit. One-day you will flourish, as your authentic self, and it will feel wonderful.