What It Was Like Growing Up Autistic

I’m not sure how old I was when I realised that I was different. I suspect it was at some point during primary school. Perhaps it was when I realised that I had no interest in the things other kids in my class cared about. Perhaps it was when I was bullied for not fitting in. But I do know that I grew up always feeling like an outcast. I cared a lot about my school work. I enjoyed learning. I was praised for getting the top marks in my class the whole of primary school, but at this point I didn’t care about marks. I just enjoyed the work.

What I do remember is a lot of anxiety. People wouldn’t have seen me as an anxious child. I was outgoing and appeared confident. I was loud because I struggled to regulate the volume of my voice. I also talked very quickly. I had to be reminded to breathe when I was talking. I felt anxiety at not fitting in at school. I didn’t understand why other children did the things they did and why my efforts to make them like me didn’t seem to work. I was anxious at meeting new people, going to big group events, not knowing what was happening, and the list goes on.

I found change really hard to deal with. If I had a play date planned and this was cancelled, this ruined my week. I remember feeling really angry at the parent of the child who cancelled it and couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t stick to a plan.

I didn’t like group work. I actually loved doing SATS at school because I was set a test and could get on with it. I wasn’t expected to talk to others on my table or work in a group to do something. I found working independently much easier.

I was a ‘bossy’ child. It wasn’t that I liked telling others what to do. It was that most kids couldn’t be bothered to get on with the task set and this made me anxious. I could also see my solution to the problem, so logically I would follow that instead of another way.

I was known as the kid who always said ‘I can’t’. It’s hard to explain why I felt I couldn’t do things. I needed to make sure I did them ‘right’, which meant 100% perfect to me. I didn’t know exactly what was expected of me so I couldn’t ensure that I did it right.

I struggled to interpret and follow instructions given in one go. I could only remember the first one and then I’d have to ask again for the next one, and the one after that, and I’d be told I wasn’t listening. I needed instructions written down and this wasn’t done often.

I read all the time. I walked to school with my head in a book. I even read at break and lunchtime - all the time. Aged 9 I would read two young adult novels a day. It helped me focus on something so I didn’t have to cope with the anxiety of the world.

I couldn’t cope with not being able to finish something. In class we’d be set a task and then told to put our books away before I had finished it. The teacher didn’t mind that it wasn’t finished. But I couldn’t stand this. So often I’d be told off for not listening and packing away.

I struggled with sensory things in everyday life. I couldn’t wear tights because my legs would come out in rashes and be itchy. I forced myself to wear jeans because I wanted to fit in. Even socks were uncomfortable.

I would often interrupt people because I didn’t know when it was my turn to speak, or I got so excited about what I wanted to say that I just had to say it even if someone else was talking. This meant that I would be seen as rude, even though I tried my hardest to be polite.

I had intense special interests. I remember one being dolphins when I was 7. I wrote a book about dolphins. Reading was an ongoing one for many years and then writing as well. I wrote a full sized novel at the age of 10. I’d talk non stop about these things. People got fed up!

I wasn’t able to fall asleep from as young as I can remember because my head wouldn’t stop racing. Whether I was preoccupied by an interest or something that had happened that day, or feeling ashamed over embarrassing myself in a social situation, my head would never switch off.

I often misunderstood social situations. Thinking someone found something funny but realising that when I copy it it’s deemed rude because it wasn’t quite the same situation. Reading others’ expressions and taking things too far because I don’t realise it’s inappropriate.

I struggled to use common sense and take my own initiative. If someone didn’t tell me what to do or I hadn’t planned for that exact event, I wouldn’t know how to react or what to do. My parents often wondered why I was so academically capable but struggled to use common sense.

I copied characters on TV or in books in order to know how to react in social situations. This didn’t always go down well when I copied Tracy Beaker! However, this did sometimes help me to know what to say and how to be polite, or what was expected of someone in different situations.

I could write a book about growing up autistic. It encompasses so many different things, on a social level and a personal level. From socialising to sensory issues to misunderstanding others’ intentions and emotions. It is complicated.